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On this day 8 years ago....
I was sitting on the roof deck of the Venice Suites in Venice Beach, California. I was down there for 10 days as part of the 750 hour Yoga Teacher Training Intensive I was taking from Shiva Rea at Exhale Spa.
At this time of my life, I was working on two college degrees full time, traveling the world and performing fire shows (500 shows a year), teaching fire dance classes, running rehearsals, booking shows, running a business and performance troupe, putting on an annual fire dance festival, teaching yoga classes, taking an extensive Yoga Teacher training which required frequent travel to and from southern California, biking to and from college (45 minutes each way) every day sometimes in 100+ degree weather as I did not have a car, collegiate level homework for school and yoga, working out, running 5k marathons, making art, running experiential adventure transformation hikes, had just moved into a new 1500 square foot apartment with my life partner of 12 years after living in a 400 square foot dark box for 10 years after being homeless for one year, all while being deep in the midst of severe relationship trauma. It was a lot. Looking back, I wonder how I was able to keep that pace up for 15 years. It took me 8 years to finish the two college degrees and yoga teacher training, after 20 years I left the relationship.
The reason I am focusing on this point in time....
is that for the two years leading up to this day, I had abandoned myself and stepped out of integrity in the relationship. I had been distinctly aware of serious concerns in the relationship dynamic that I was deeply trying to avoid. I was hoping that love would prevail and things would change. I had immense love for my partner, yet I was not loving myself.
"Time chipped away at all residue of respect, for both self and other."
Burying my emotional truth in the cracks I ignored while watching the mental health of someone I deeply loved go drastically down hill (from my perspective). In the name of "compassion", I supported and loved this person, as well as enabled him while sacrificing my values and accepting poor treatment. On this day, 8 years ago, I was 7 years into my second deep dive into self improvement, therapy, and deep inner healing work. It was a time of deep initiation.
On this day 8 years ago...
I drew a line in the sand and made the conscious decision to take accountability, step into integrity, and come into coherence. Not knowing what this would entail, it was a moment of truth with myself in the sand at the ocean's shore. Even though I was distinctly aware that I needed to leave the relationship, I was not ready to accept it yet.
Today, an astrologer said to look back in time 8 years ago to the end of May 2015 until September 2015 to gain insight into a cycle undergoing transformation.
"You have to clean up your past" Leo King
Opening my journal to May 24th, 2015 my entry read as follows:
Captain's Log: 5/24/2015
This roof deck is really amazing!
One take away point, I need to start showing up on my mat everyday. Making it a point to practice even if I only have 30 - 40 minutes here and there. Do I have 30 - 40 minutes here and there? I need to do the practice in whatever way I can.
I want to keep that determination simple.
"Practice yoga and all is coming." Pattabhi Jois
The next point of focus, I need to "pay off debts". In whatever direct straight forward way, I need to "pay my debts". This means realistically coming up with a PLAN. I keep focusing on the end result, which is helpful, yet I am not tending to the beginning and the process of doing and therefore the effort is lacking.
I feel like I can do these two things: practice + "pay debt". The first involves going to bed at a normal time most nights, waking up, and practicing in the morning.
Three simple steps, so it seems.
Is that realistic given all that I have going on?
I have class at 8am and a 45 minute bike ride to get there. This means leaving the house by 7am, waking up at 6am. So, practice, eat, ride. Or.....I could practice when I get home. This means after classes, work out, ride, practice.
It sounds simple, yet the reality is I have a lot going on. I don't know how to fit it all in and that is one potential challenge. I need to sit with a calendar and organize my time.
As for what to practice, keep it simple and practice Chakra Vinyasa online. Let the online class guide for now.
What I do today is affecting me 35 days out down to my cells!
Dhatu is the word for the seven building blocks that make up the physical body, collectively called saptadhatu for seven dhatu. If I make changes NOW, in 35 days I can rebuild my saptadhatu.
After cleansing out toxins I will see clearly what is truth.
Another area where I need to shine some light; emotional honesty + commitment. I need to contribute toward cleaning up that area of my life as I am out of balance.
What am I doing?
I need to set boundaries and re-evaluate what I call friendships and those that I connect and spend time with. I do not want to continue to perpetuate connections that disrespect self or other. I am contemplating going to an event that would take me out of integrity. Not going means taking accountability and communicating an emotional truth with someone. I know I need to stay and focus on bookings, performing, practicing, homework, and working rather than spending more money and putting myself in groups of people I can't stand in integrity around.
I am not feeling clear.
Physically, I feel fear. My Svadhishthana Chakra is blocked, maybe even shut down. In full stagnation. There is NO flow and I'm having low back pain. I have been dishonest with myself and withheld my true feelings out of fear. I have stepped out of integrity. I see how I perpetuate the toxicity and deny the body. I need to build strength to support the expansion, increase courage, apply unconditional self love, focus on compassion from a distance, practice honesty, activate security, and ground in stability.
There is so much on my plate right now, I am expanding to the far reaches. Will I break into a million tiny pieces?
I want to go to the event to avoid the conversation. It is so much easier to accommodate and make better choices next time. The best way is straight up honesty. Is it? By creating a situation, like work, I could casually back out and make no waves.
Bottom line:
I have to get in congruency with self and heart.
I have to clean up my frequency and stand present in integrity.
No exceptions.
Arriving here to the present moment May 24th 2023...
Present Check In:
I recognize NOW, that was a key marker point! I AM now in full congruence, have cleaned up my frequency, and steadily walked in integrity for years. I have come a long way! Today, I celebrate and honor the dedication, perseverance, and deep work it took to move through that extremely challenging time frame of my life.
The next time I wrote 8 years ago was June 4th....
I am NOW willing to let go to open to learn. For when we learn the lesson we receive the gift. Therefore, like a treasure hunt, I take guidance from the astrologer to follow that time frame from 8 years ago, into a fun multi-dimensional timeline journey to the point where I re-activated my highest integrity and made a commitment to myself. I now have the opportunity to elevate to a new level of expression. These were the seeds of the Luminous Life Journey and precisely why I know now, that I am living on purpose. It also what makes me good at what I do as a Spiritual Coach, Original Medicine Womyn, Creative Intuitive Guide in facilitating positive life transformation.
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